“I do too.”
“I do not think it will make the kind of sense we want.”
Ethan looked at her.
“What kind do you think it makes?”
“The kind where I was capable of loving you and still doing something cruel.”
“The kind where being unhappy did not make me dishonest, but I used unhappiness to excuse dishonesty.”
“The kind where you were not perfect and none of your imperfections caused my choices.”
Ethan swallowed.
Samantha continued.
“I spent the first day trying to make you responsible for enough of the marriage that I would feel less responsible for the affair.”
“I am sorry for that too.”
They sat in silence.
After a while, Ethan collected his winter clothes.
Before leaving, he took the anniversary card with him.
He did not know why.
Two months after the hotel night, Ethan still lived in the apartment.
He and Samantha attended counseling every week.
They had dinner twice.
They went for one long walk.
They did not have sex.
They did not kiss.
They did not pretend dating each other again would be romantic.
Sometimes the conversations were almost normal.
Those moments frightened Ethan more than the arguments.
Normal felt good.
Good made him worry that he was becoming careless.
Nora challenged that fear during a session.
“You are treating comfort as evidence of danger,” she said.
“Because comfort is when I missed things.”
“No.”
“Deception is when you missed things.”
“Comfort did not deceive you.”
Ethan frowned.
“What is the difference in practice?”
“The difference is whether you intend to build a life where vigilance replaces trust.”
Ethan looked at Samantha.
She sat quietly.
Nora continued.
“If the only way you can remain married is by becoming her auditor, you should not remain married.”
The sentence stayed with Ethan for days.
He did not want Samantha’s passwords.
He did not want location sharing as proof of fidelity.
He did not want to inspect receipts.
He did not want a marriage where every dinner required evidence.
Samantha had voluntarily offered all of those things.
Ethan had refused most of them.
“I need honesty,” he told her one evening.
“I do not want surveillance.”
Samantha nodded.
“I understand.”
“Do you?”
“I think so.”
“If I need your phone to feel safe, we are not safe.”
She looked down.
“That scares me.”
“Why?”
“Because showing you my phone is something concrete I can do.”
“Becoming trustworthy is slower.”
“Yes.”
Ethan nodded.
“It is slower for me too.”
Christmas approached.
Elaine invited both of them to dinner separately because she did not know what else to do.
